WELCOME TO LAUGHTER ZONE

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

has to work hard

has to work at great depths

has to work upside down

has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

has to work in a high humidity environment

has to work at high temperatures

does not get weekends and holidays off

does not get time off after extra hours of work

Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row

does not answer immediately to all requests

after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

shows no fidelity to the workplace

retires too early

does not work at all unless pushed from behind

does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

Sometimes leaves work, too early

A group of HELLS ANGELS

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The good news is...

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your texxxxles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the texxxxles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your texxxxles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

PROFOUND THOUGHTS FROM AN OLD MAN

If I had a Pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.


Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was “Always”;

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking for it.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don't have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Money is the root of all wealth.

'OLD' IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says 'Let's go upstairs and make love' And you answer: 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy .... And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes .. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all-nighter' means not getting up To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN..... You are not sure these are jokes!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured
that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this
was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.


Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a Seat Belt!!

You can't fix stupid.